This is who I am… at least for right now
This has become a weird journal in which I write every few months or years… And every time I read my posts I feel estranged from that version of my Self.
So who am I today?
I feel the need to reintroduce myself in this space because…. Maybe now I can finally commit to writing. Or maybe not. Regardless, if you’re on my page, you might as well get to know me.
My name is Roxana (rough rolled “R” and just one “n”). I am 29, I’m still diagnosed as bipolar, I haven’t persued my formal autism or CPTSD diagnosis because I fear it will be more harmful than useful in today’s access to aides and the ableist laws that still exist. Or not. I really haven’t done research in the last couple of years. In May I’ll be three years married to the absolute love of my life.
I’m a Mexican living in the US because I followed my husband’s work aspirations. We’ve been here for 5 years. I can’t work because of my dependant visa, which is absolutely bullshit. But because of my past traumatic work experiences and mental disabilities I don’t mind the housewife life. I’ve been a waitress, hostess, receptionist, failed blog writer, research assistant to self-involved copywriters, sometimes a translator. And every time bipolar got in the way. In February, I started an online yoga studio “based” in Mexico. I have been kind of stable there.
Recently, my husband’s work aspirations nearly made us move to France, which was very exciting and scary at the same time. The offer wasn’t good enough to match our quality of life here in Kernersville, North Carolina; plus France just upped their immigration laws so if we have children there, they wouldn’t gain french nationality until they’re 16. Also bullshit. So we decided to opt out.
Now we’re considering having kids in the US, and it’s a very scary and exciting thing. We don’t plan on raising them here because I couldn’t live in constant fear of a school shooting. I’m very pro-choice, I don’t believe women are meant to bare children and, for a long time I’ve considered not having children (in this economy?, at the (hopefully) end of the capitalist, colonialist patriarchy? In the middle of a genocide? In this political climate?, with my several mental illnesses?… So much to consider).
However, something changed this year. I haven’t been depressed in months (thanks to my bipolar medication regime and some radical life changes like daily movement and drinking lots of water). I started feeling hopeful about life. About the future. About me and the endless possibilities life has to offer.
You see, CPTSD is different than PTSD. Neither is better or worse, but beople with one life changing traumatic event have a before and after; while people with CPTSD only know trauma, hopelessness and fear because we grew up in unsafe spaces. We grew up fearing people, places, experiences. I grew up with loving but complicated parents. My father was mentally ill without a diagnosis or treatment, plus his macho attitude left my mom with few options. She had to work so much to make ends meet, she had to compensate all of my father’s neglect. And, have no validation or support from him. She isn’t perfect either, though. They separated, thank the Goddess.
I grew up being sexualized by family members and I suffered childhood sexual abuse for several years. This, I believe became more and more complicated because of my undiagnosed autism, and I theorize that it triggered my bipolar genes. Everyday, I’m riddled by paranoia and a constant fear of death.
But, I’m growing, expanding. I’ve gone through some hard friendship breakups that helped me be more authentic. I’m taking up space, I’m learning to feel my feelings, and accept them. I’m learning to be myself. And I’m liking it. I feel I’m healing through conscious movement and yoga. I’m healing my relationships and learning to set healthy boundaries. I’m learning to feel hopeful instead of frightened every time I laugh or when I’m actually enjoying life. I’m learning to trust that everything will be okay. I’m leaning on my friends and community. I’m connecting with people. And, I’m learning to take responsibility in life. Responsibility over my feelings, my mistakes, my financial trauma, my work (if you’re interested in Spanish yoga classes, go check out @_yogadesdecasa_ on Instagram).
Furthermore, our marriage is going to beautiful new places. I’ve never loved him how I love him today (we’ve been together for more than 9 years, now). I’ve never trusted someone so deeply. I’ve never felt this safe before. So cared for.
I feel like the Grinch when his heart grew three sizes.
So, maybe, I can be a good mother. Maybe I can dream about tomorrow. Maybe, there’s more to life than fear.
So this is me and all my current context.
Welcome and I hope you enjoy this space.